A day in the Life – Pandemic version

In only half-a-day, I’ve done a week’s worth of processing and learning. So, here is this morning’s experience of the mind for your reading pleasure.

Upon waking up from a solid sleep, riddled with dreams of my recently passed Papa (grandfather), I am excited to realize I am feeling much better today! Therefore, commence writing of unrealistic to-do list. First up: review options to get back to work safely following what I hope is a cold.

My ideal plan is to get tested for COVID-19, have a negative result and then get back to work to support my teammates and healthcare system. But getting through to WHS is a pipe dream these days. Maybe 811 is a better option. I weigh the concern of not wanting to overload phone lines when, according to written info, I don’t qualify for a test but should isolate for 14 days, weighed against my concern for staffing at work and the amount of sick days I’m using. Instead, I quickly resign myself to knowing I’m doing the right thing by self isolating. My turn to fill in for sick co-workers will come and I can afford to run out of sick days.

It doesn’t take long to realize that while my cold symptoms are better, today is harder for other reasons. I’ve been doing well with all this change, but today is different. What is this unease?! And why am I feeling it, today?

Unease is often fear, when you get to the root of it. So the real question is: What am I fearing?
I’m not afraid for myself but am feeling the weight for some family members and friends. I’m carrying the unknowns of their vulnerable positions. Vulnerability of health; vulnerability to the impact on the economy and long term work and financial viability. Those aren’t my things to carry, but I picked them up today.

I am so worried that I recognize, ironically, I actually need to DISconnect today. I am too connected. I need a break from information and connecting with others. I need to connect with myself. This one crept up on me unexpectedly. Lesson of the day:

Find your own balance. Know yourself and your needs. Even within isolation, it’s ok to need space.

My mind mercifully drifts away from worried thoughts and towards those of gratefulness. I am so grateful for my position of financial and job security. I have simultaneously unique and not uncommon abilities to support my family and friends in different ways. That means you do, too. This causes me to contemplate further aspects of my purpose and role in intersecting communities in my life. It opens my mind to what is possible when we’re not living a pandemic way of life. It has me wonder and start to feel excited for what’s next after we get through all of this. Will we get through all of this? Maybe that’s my privilege speaking. I am afforded so much privilege that I can feel hopeful right now. Because I’m generally young & healthy & able. Because my job and finances are secure. Because my skin colour doesn’t put me at risk of blame and racism over something that has nothing to do with me. Because the systems in our society are set up to benefit someone like me: white, wealthy, able-bodied, cis-gendered, straight, female with no dependents. I do my best to be mindful of my privilege and not take it for granted. And further to that, not only do I work at increasing my awareness, but I am also learning to DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

Today, I’ve picked up problems that aren’t mine to carry. And for me, it can be easy to cross a line into fixer or saviour mentalities. But those things are not for me to carry, either. Instead, what I can do is find healthy balance for myself, continue to maintain awareness and awakening to what’s happening in the world around me (especially the places and people different than me), and ask what I can join in and support that is already happening. No need to reinvent the wheel. No need to be the white saviour.

I know by now that if I’m feeling uneasy, the way out is often through writing and a little physical labour. So, I’ve done just that. I ran my tail off outside. I thought about my Papa every time I passed an old man walking a little dog. I breathed in fresh air, basked in the sun, hated just a little bit the burn in my lungs and muscles while simultaneously feeling grateful for the ability to experience such things. All the while, my head processing and concluding all kinds of thoughts.

Now, I write them. Here, I share them.