Problematic things well-intentioned white people say (and I’ve said, too)

Happy Canada Day! So, leave talk of racism for another day, right? Well, oppression doesn’t take a day off. Today is the perfect day to reflect! Today is a perfect day to consider how I, and the groups I am a part of, continue to perpetuate oppression. Today is a perfect day to listen. And I’ve been sitting on this one for awhile.

We all travel the journey to anti-racism imperfectly. Allow me to share what I’ve learned on the journey. Maybe I can help you avoid common pitfalls – some of which I’ve found myself in, too.

I’ve learned from friends and family who are Indigenous, Black and people of color (IBPOC); through my own research and reading; and through Twitter (I follow mostly IBPOC on that platform); to name a few sources. So these ideas are not new nor are they my own, but perhaps you haven’t heard them yet. Maybe your sphere is white. Maybe you’ve never thought to look and see. That makes it harder to have heard. If you want to pursue the work towards anti-racism in yourself, I encourage you to reflect on why this incomplete list of things that we commonly say & do as white people is problematic.

“I don’t see colour” –

This is a form of erasure. It’s actually important to see skin colour. Otherwise, how can we see the ways in which our skin colour is elevated, while others are oppressed? If you “don’t see colour”, good luck seeing racism and white supremacy out there, AND in here <3 (insert your favourite heart and brain emojis, here)

“They’re playing the race card” –

Another form of erasure. Just because we can’t handle hearing someone’s truth and lived experience it doesn’t make it untrue nor invalid. Erasing in this way is really just “playing the white supremacy card”. We often play our white supremacy card without even knowing it. Self-assessment, commence.

Asking our Indigenous, Black, and persons of colour acquaintances to do the work for us –

Hello 2020! We have internet, now! Google it. There are so many lists of resources out there; especially right now. Read articles and books; watch movies and tv; support organizations and artists and policies and protests. We need to do the research ourselves. Ask other white friends who are also on the journey. Support initiatives of change in education, government policy and legislation. There are many different ways to learn, as well as advocate for change. But, of course, to know what the positive actions can be, we must first listen and learn. There’s that listening idea, again …

“People make mistakes” –

This is only half of a statement, and it’s the problematic half. People make mistakes, AND THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES. We must do the work to repair what we’ve done (as individuals, groups, systems), otherwise we never stopped making the mistake in the first place. The same mistakes we were making centuries ago are continuing today.

Saying the “N” word –

It doesn’t matter if it’s just quoting someone else, or just reading the title of a book, or just stating the name of a product from the 50s. Do the work to understand why this word carries so much meaning. Uttering it as a white person is a weapon. It’s origins on white people’s lips is as a weapon. Don’t say it.

Making it about us – we do this in so many different ways. Here are a few common ones:

“I’ve been marginalized in ____ way, therefore I understand.” As much as anyone on Earth with white skin or not can experience pain and suffering, this does not equate to living under racialized prejudice. It is not the same. And this isn’t about us. Again, Listen!

“My heart is broken; I am overcome with grief; I can’t stop crying. Let me tell you, Indigenous, Black, person of colour friend, all about how I’m feeling.” While it’s a normal stage of awakening, and one of the early ones, to mourn and feel the intensity of so many feels, do not get stuck in white guilt, trauma and pain. Our reactions can take space away from those already without space – those very people we are being awakened to! Don’t go to your IBPOC friend/family with your grief. That’s a sure way to center your own story, again. Focusing on our trauma and crying on the shoulder of our IBPOC people centers us. This behaviour is called “white tears”. This could be a topic all on its own, but instead I urge you to reflect and ask some questions. “Why do I feel the need to tell them how broken I am for them?” Possible Answer: we might be looking for them to soothe us. It’s not a good answer, but it is a real and common one. “Are my feelings driving a desire to listen? A thirst for understanding, learning and action? Or am I limiting my own progress potential? Am I getting stuck? Am I using my feelings to soothe myself, to convince myself that I care and therefore avoid the crucial next steps of the journey?” Be ready for the answer to be “yes” to all of the above. There’s a lot of both/and that happens on the journey, and that won’t stop. White supremacy is deeply ingrained in how we’ve been taught about our world. While feeling and grieving the weight of that is an important step, don’t get stuck.

This emphasis on feeling often coincides with the thought that seeing pain of racialized groups and caring about it means we are enlightened white people. But that’s an incomplete and problematic mindset. It stops far short. And seeing people only for their oppression is yet another form of erasure. I sometimes wonder if all we know to do as white people is constantly erase others. It’s so ingrained we don’t even realize we do it. Welcome to the journey of seeing the ingrained ugly in ourselves.

This is perhaps a good moment to contemplate something you may be experiencing on the journey: White Trauma. It’s a real thing. White supremacy, white privilege, whiteness, not only harms IBPOC, it harms us all. (Whiteness is a made-up construct with an ever-moving target, meant to retain power and replace ethnic identity. Google it.) Hearing truths that disrupt what you know, what you’ve learned, what you’ve been told by people you love and respect, it is heavy and difficult to process. You can’t unhear or unsee once you start to confront what whiteness means. It is traumatizing to deconstruct and to unpack the mistakes we’ve made, how we’ve contributed, and how we continue to uphold racist systems. Typically, our problematic role has been “unintentional”, but intentions are moot when the outcome and impact on others is the same. As we unlearn and relearn, remember that white trauma is real. Hold yourself gently. Pace yourself. It’s important work, but hard work. And we’re going to do it imperfectly.

(This interview with Robin DiAngelo on White Fragility might help explain what you are feeling or have felt before.)

“Can’t we all just get along?” –

There are many ways this sentiment is communicated. Some ways we’ve heard are “we’re all human” “why are you so divisive?” “we should seek unity” “All lives matter” … Sound familiar? It’s another form of erasure that we practice. Yes, getting along sounds lovely. But what this is really saying is that IBPOC seeking justice, feeling angry, or expressing themselves, is a problem for us. Yet, anger is justified! Lifting up a marginalized group does not mean that we matter less. Again, this is not about us. The questions instead: What are we doing to create possibilities for justice and equality? What are we doing to dismantle white supremacy in order to make it possible to “get along”? We can’t all get along harmoniously when some are under the knee of others. When we are placing our own knees on the necks of others in one way or another.

If you’ve made it this far, well done. As I mentioned earlier, confronting white supremacy in ourselves is hard, traumatizing work. Dismantling it in our systems is, too. White trauma is a real thing. But this is important work for ourselves, for others, and for our world. Welcome to the journey. Don’t give up.

There are many resources out there to help start or continue our learning. With a quick Google search you can easily find lists compiled by persons of color – lists of articles, books, and media on dismantling whiteness. Check out Rohadi.com to get his free E-book #Changethestory: A Short Resource on Dismantling Racism.

Thank you to Rohadi for editing and patiently making suggestions on this piece written by a blundering white girl. And thank you to all of those friends, acquaintances, family members, thinkers & authors whom I’ve been learning from and will learn from as I continue the journey, imperfectly.