Under performing, Under pressure, On purpose

Do you ever feel the pressure to be contained?

To be calm, cool, collected, poised?

Let’s get more real. Real-er, if you will.
I often perceive expectations on me that add up to equal pressure to the N-th. They aren’t imagined, either. Perhaps some expectations are assumed. Some are exaggerated by my own internal factors. But others have been verbalized to me in one way or another.

Whether you’re a working professional, a student, an athlete, a stay at home parent, a human in the 21st century!, that pressure to perform is real. I’m talking expectations like being Unemotional. Logical. Approachable. Easy-going. Strong. Confident & Certain. Willing. Innovative. Adaptable. Empathetic (but not too affected.) Productive & Efficient. Seamless.
I’m many of these things. Hell, I am all of these things! At different points in time, that is. But I feel that pressure to contain all of these qualities within my being all at once, to the same degree, everyday. Containment, without any leaks.

It’s an impossible endeavour. But you know what? I buy into it, myself. I’m honestly worried much too often about whether I’m containing everything enough. Is it obvious today that I’m less empathetic? That I’m not confident? Or maybe am I too confident and seen as a threat? Can you see that I’m emotionally invested? That I’m less efficient with my time today? Is it clear that I’m anything less than a robotic, (im)perfected version of me? If it’s obvious, is someone going to come to me with feedback about my one slip up? Or maybe it’s my third one, and now I’m out.

Why do I play into this hamster-wheel game of perfectionism when it’s a game that I will always and forever lose? Living through the dichotomous lens of perfection OR failure is simply the best way to deprive myself of the third option(s). Which is to just be. Be and rest in myself. Be ok with being a complex, variable, amazing human. I’m already enough. Right now, I’m enough.

Do you ever feel this pressure to contain and perform?