Don’t Quit Your Daydream
The day job is gone.
Daydreams remain
fill its place, with this space
dreaming renewed.
Quitting is needed
some times, of some ways
– quit denying your self, your needs
but do not quit your daydreams.
The day job is deadly. The daydream breathes life.
Living with chronic illnesses that have fatigue components does not mean I am suddenly great at sleeping and napping. In fact, I find napping in the middle of the day really difficult and usually I don’t even try. That’s partly because fatigue does not mean sleepiness – those are two very different things. Occasionally, though, fatigue and sleepiness do line up. Today is one of those days, ironically. I am sitting here realizing in real time, as I write, that I may actually nap. I am both tired and sleepy! My eyes are glazing over at this moment… So this just might be a day for an afternoon nap, and a trip into the wildness of dream land. Daydreaming definition #1: when a nap unleashes my brain into dream world in the middle of the day.
Daydreaming is so often discussed as a negative (and in the context of children who are “difficult” – aka difficult to control…); as though daydreaming as an inability to focus or pay attention and stay on task is an inconvenience for everyone else; as though focussing and staying on task for as long as an authority dictates is all that matters and the only way to belong; as though getting out of line means there is something “wrong” with you being different; as though being different is dreadful and abhorrent; as though being reminded that people can be different than the status quo norms is threatening; as though the threat is actually being shown how precarious this whole social “structure” we’ve created actually is; how meaningless and cruel it is, how it’s built on ableist, racist, capitalist lies to make it scary or unsafe to get out of line – whether on purpose or just because of who you naturally are… And that my friends is what I call a rabbit hole. Daydreaming definition #2: beautiful threads running down rabbit holes, that make meaning and let me delve deeply into truths about this life and the world we’ve built. It is one of my all-time favourite types of daydreaming.
Similarly, I also can experience midday waking dreams that are actually memories. Sometimes I find myself flooded with unpleasant ones. For me, it’s often a time when I felt especially unheard, misunderstood, or mislabelled. What is your common thread when you have tough memories rush in? The first thing I usually do when this happens is I actively resist. Let me be clear, I am not recommending this. In fact, the truth of how often I just try to force it back out of my head is so silly – especially since resisting doesn’t actually help. Too often that resistance is rooted in trying to avoid feeling discomfort when my body is simply trying to get my attention. When I catch myself trying to resist an unpleasant memory, here are some helpful options, instead: 1) Stop actively resisting the memory and just listen to what it’s trying to tell me. Maybe there is an unmet need that deserves addressing. Maybe there is an emotion that needs to be sat with. 2) Remind my brain I have already processed this hard thing and I don’t need to spend more time on it right now. 3) If it is a memory from a time in my childhood, I recognize my child self or teen self needs reassurance appropriate to that age and experience (think internal family systems), and so that’s what I give myself – reassurance! 4) Find an outlet. An unpleasant memory most likely has my nervous system in fight/flight, and fight/flight is an active state! It just wants to “do”. And so, if it works with my pacing needs, I then “do” something. Maybe I just need to yell into a pillow. Or cry. Or make some art. Maybe I need to journal. But taking action can help expel that energy. Though no longer having physical activity as an outlet makes this complex…
I can get lost in these memories at times, and it can be hard to snap myself out of it. With the amount of quiet and rest time I now require for managing chronic illness, these things can sometimes be extra loud. This is especially true when you first start resting more and your brain isn’t used to it. Our brains are beautiful, marvellous, central parts of ourselves that are built for activity. It takes practice and time to learn how to slow down your mind. Just because you’ve slowed down your body, it doesn’t mean your mind can follow immediately! And this will be more challenging (if not impossible) for very active minds such as those of us with ADHD. We can’t necessarily stop our minds from being active because our brains are not wired to be quiet or slow down like that! I will say from my personal experiences that practice does make it easier, though. Finding ways to be more restful even though I am still doing an activity is usually the access point for me. Overall, my point is that I can’t to try to “control” myself, but instead I can listen to the information my body is giving me and address the arising need(s). No shame, no blame, just love and care.
Daydreaming definition #3 is all about planning and imagining different futures or activities. I sometimes enjoy imagining what I would do if I recovered to a more mild level of illness or into a full remission. If you’re chronically ill you might understand this isn’t done as a pity party but is simply about dreaming (and maybe is a part of maintaining hope that things might be better eventually?) Sometimes a friend and I dream up our business together – me with my PT background, them with SW background, both of us with our love and passion for liberation, justice, and focus on intersectional oppressions. If I could “work” again in ways that accommodated my needs (quotes because I am including unpaid work in this daydreaming), the things I would love to do for myself, for and with loved ones, our communities, and to make the world better alongside others already organizing such movements… That is some exciting daydreaming. I do what I can, now, and I know it is enough! And I still have dreams (and hopes) of more time spent in nature, creating art, organizing with others, and dreaming up a new world. The time I would love to spend with my niblings – I am so lucky to have close relationship with two of them in the same city! The way I think I would love getting more into pottery – especially throwing at the wheel – and other art classes I would take. The time outside… *blissful sigh*
Have you ever heard people talk about how getting sick, losing a loved one, or experiencing a near-death experience makes people realize “what matters most”? I have been thinking on this slightly differently. What matters most to me has not suddenly been realized. Instead, I have realized I always knew what mattered most to me; I have always known myself deeply. The revelation, instead, is simply understanding how I was denying parts of myself in the pre-illness times. Being forced to slow down means I’ve had the space to see and hear myself on new levels. I think it holds true that you end up prioritizing differently, but it’s not exactly because now I realize what matters most. It’s moreso now I have given myself permission to put those things first and to honour the parts of myself that were always there. I have such a deeper love for who I am, now. Self-love is blooming more than ever exactly because I was forced to slow down. And that’s something I would never give back. The knowledge I’ve gained I will carry forever. Now, if we could please get some research and treatments funded and available in my lifetime, thaaaaat’d be great.
My last version of daydreaming isn’t about future plans or what ifs; isn’t about being flooded with tough memories; isn’t about napping and entering the strangeness of dream world during sleep; and it’s not about contemplating layers of meaning beneath our societally-constructed norms. It’s simply the wonder of my neurodivergent brain. The joy of letting my mind flit around from exciting idea to exciting idea as it loves to do [yes, an ADHD feature]. The intense excitement of getting into a new hobby or trying almost any new venture [again, if you know ADHD, you can see the interest-driven, craving for novelty]. The deep sense of wonder I carry and can sit with for things in the world – this might be gazing at plants, watching bugs and animals, or taking in the blue of the sky; noticing the absolute magic of baking that is turning a blob of ingredients into a beautifully golden and tasty puff; the chills of a great harmony of voices or pound of percussion beats. These might be the daydreams that feed me the most.