A Healing Year
*based on a real 2024 journal entry Acceptance is my way forward. I am finally moving. I do not have to wait for them to change. For them to come along with me. I might be waiting forever. I won’t wait forever. It all holds new meaning under different light. For the first time in decades, I am quieted. I settle into my body. I feel stillness, assurance. I see the path before me, bare in its blooming truth: grief and uncertainty are ahead; peace, wholeness, and love are, too. Pain does not cause me to turn back. I know the way to the other side – the way out…
“I tried”
Claiming you tried is not enough if it doesn’t grow legs doesn’t make itself known does not move your body
3:01am, Mountain Time
[CN: imagery of difficulty breathing; grief and loss] I wake with a startle and notice it is here. The shadow looms over me, watching. Waiting. I plead with the whites of its eyes to leave me be; to find me on a different night. Or never again. It ignores my bargaining.
a perpetual voyage
i have been returning to myself for as long as i can remember in the early years –
The Budding Abolitionist
My heart wants out of my chest Though they taught me long ago to imprison it,
How We Keep Saving Me
I have survived too many hard things in this life. It’s not fair and some days are too hard. Allowing myself to feel that doesn’t make this a pity party, but I often wonder how I keep on surviving this world that tries to kill me (especially one unapologetically killing chronically ill and disabled people in a pandemic.) I keep on surviving in part because of luck and privilege, and also because of the ways I have never fully abandoned who I am. I have never fully conformed.
Don’t Quit Your Daydream
The day job is gone daydreams remain in it’s place, with this space we’re dreaming anew. Quitting is good, needed sometimes, with some things – like quitting denying ourselves and our needs – but promise me, one thing: don’t quit your daydreams. Living with chronic illnesses that have fatigue components does not mean I am suddenly great at sleeping and napping. In fact, I find napping in the middle of the day really difficult and usually I don’t even try. That’s partly because fatigue does not mean sleepiness – those are two very different things. Occasionally, though, fatigue and sleepiness do line up. Today is one of those days,…
Creating on Crip time
Keeping up with writing, or any form of creativity, can be really challenging when you live with chronic illness. For me, fatigue and cognitive dysfunction are common barriers to doing what I’d like to or planned to do on any given day. But adapting and learning to live well with these symptoms also means I can let them point me in a new direction. A way that is less perfectionist and excellence focused; less consistency dominated; and operates on disabled/Crip timelines, instead. Simply put: it’s about access! Adjusting to living with acquired illness and disability means adjusting how I view my needs and limits. And also how I define success.…
Living the Dream
The air is sticky and humid, the ground rain-soaked and muddy. I careen down a hillside on my mountain bike, applying brakes where needed, splashing through shallow puddles, avoiding sheer drops off trail edges. I kick out dirt behind and beside me as I twist, skid, and jump. My face and hands are mud-speckled; my clothes, splattered; my bike frame, gleefully muck-sprayed from head to tail. I slow my pace to a halt as my friends catch up. We gulp water, wipe sweat, laugh and rib each other. They’re impressed with my thrill-seeking on this trail they know well. It’s my first time, but I ride with abandon. I always…
Haiku series: Sick and Tired
I’m going slowly. You beg, “Speed up!”, but I know what you don’t. Exhale.